How to Break Up

Escape the prison of fear and guilt to end it with dignity and respect

Sometimes, guys know they want to break up with their significant other, but they just can’t get themselves to do it due to fear, embarrassment, and guilt. So they waste time pretending that everything’s OK while waiting for the “perfect moment” or the “perfect pretext” to initiate the breakup and feel “justified” in doing it. If this is you, please keep reading. This article is from the perspective of men, but it can apply to women, too.

Yet there are guys who can easily break up in very good terms, and even maintain a sort-of platonic friendship with their exes. How is this possible? How do they do it?

Short answer? They do it because they respect both themselves and the women.

The triangle of fear, shame, guilt

I’ve met too many males who just couldn’t get themselves to break up with someone they knew was not for them. I’m not talking about cases where people dislike their partner but consciously choose to settle with them out of fear of loneliness.

That’s different. I’m talking about those who have already acknowledged to themselves and have decided, and have even clearly verbalised, that they do not want to carry on with the relationship. And when you ask them why they don’t just end it, it’s not because they are unsure of their desire; it’s because they are afraid of the reaction of their partner, together with the guilt and shame they’ll experience after they feel responsible for their partner’s bad reaction to the breakup.

This is enmeshment: feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings as if you can’t draw boundaries between where you end and they begin. Relationships like that are co-addicted: something they need but don’t want. No wonder they want to end them… but can’t.

I understand feeling concerned about how people feel — this is what caring about them is. But truth are respect are higher virtues. If you deeply care for them enough to place truth over their immediate well-being (truth is ultimately well-being), then you have to be honest with them even if the truth hurts them in the short-term. And you have to care for yourself, too, otherwise you can’t care for anyone else, not in any meaningful or useful way.

Mental block

When you are petrified of someone’s bad reaction to you expressing your needs, you are held hostage by your own feelings. It’s as if a mental block is depriving you of control over your actions. You can’t seem to end it, even though in your heart and mind you know and feel that the relationship is not working, and the other person is incompatible with you.

Not only is this cowardly, but it is selfish because it keeps dragging the other person in a relationship where they keep investing emotionally in someone who doesn’t want them. And if one of the two doesn’t want the relationship to continue, then the relationship shouldn’t continue. Every second you spend with someone whom you don’t want but who wants you is a lie that drags them into a monumental waste of time and life. Unfair.

Taking it from the start

Indeed, many have felt guilty and ashamed just for considering breaking up. Wanting to break up is usually scorned and looked down on in society so as to incentivise stability in the family. But how stable is a family that is kept together only by the threat of psychological abuse (fear, guilt, and shame)? Are we sure we want our societies to be based on superficial appearances alone?

So, the people who stay in unwanted relationships out of fear of guilt and shame waste their lives pointlessly, reluctantly imprisoned in undesirable affairs, forced to stay with incompatible people out of embarrassment alone. Since they are unable to respect themselves for their lack of courage and dignity, they inevitably turn passive-aggressively indignant and bitter towards their partner… and themselves.

Granted, it’s always hard to end a relationship, especially when it felt right at the beginning. The emotional investment, your guilt, and sense of responsibility towards the other person, the social implications, the fear of being shamed, ridiculed, and ostracised, and what all that could mean to your fragile self-esteem — a self-esteem overly dependent upon external validation. What’s more is the fear of cutting your losses, of “wasting” the emotional investment in that relationship, but ignoring the opportunity cost, the wasting of every other better possibility you could have had if you were free from a bad relationship.

The Japanese say that if you get on the wrong train, you should get off at the nearest station. The longer it takes to get off, the more expensive the return trip will be. This parable is not about trains.

The longer you wait for the “perfect moment” to break up, the harder it will be to break up peacefully without bad feelings.

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While you feel terrified of breaking up, there are so many people out there who are able to end a relationship gracefully without anyone getting hurt, and with the added bonus of breaking up on good terms, or even maintaining a friendship after the breakup. Ever wondered how they do it?

You’ve probably wondered how so many guys are able to break up gracefully with girl after girl, and they still remain friends — even after a disrespectful one-night stand. It’s because they were honest (respectful) right from the beginning up until the end. And this is what honesty boils down to: respect. And even if they weren’t from the beginning, they were honest and empathetic at the moment of the breakup.

While others enjoy the freedom of doing what they want in life, you imprison yourself with self-imposed shame and guilt. You succumb to the fear, the possibility of being shamed when she erupts in shock or anger. You fear guilting language after you break it to her (no pun intended). You fear the implications, the ridicule and awkwardness from others in your entourage, the common friends, family, and acquaintances.

What’s even worse, you fear the possibility of guilt if she responds with sorrow and tears, and that you’ll feel responsible for her pain. You must understand this is how your parents conditioned you to respond to their shaming language and their guilt-tripping. These feelings, these voices in your head, aren’t yours. They belong to those who messed you up with their poisonous pedagogy.

Your fear is selfish

To avoid breaking up out of fear of “hurting her feelings” is selfish and self-centered of you. You’re not being compassionate. You’re only thinking about yourself, completely ignoring the other person to whom you’re consciously lying by pretending that you want to stay in the relationship. Yes, you are lying to them by not breaking up with them.

You know the truth is that you don’t want to be with them, yet you stick around, giving them the false sense of reality that you want to be with them.

Lying is aggression and abuse when it gives people a false sense of reality that compels them to make life-changing decisions they wouldn’t make otherwise had they known the truth.

Did you ask yourself whether they wanted to be with someone who didn’t want them back? Don’t you think they’d rather be with someone else? Why are you depriving them of that opportunity by forcing them to stay with you, assuming you want them, when there could be others out there who actually want them? This is you being selfish and damaging to others.

Hypocrisy

Being afraid to “hurt her feelings” doesn’t mean you’re kind. It means you’re a selfish, arrogant prick thinking of your own narcissistic self, patting yourself on the back for being so benevolent.

A woman will respect you more than anything when you respectfully tell her that you’re not feeling it and you don’t want to lie to her by being in a relationship with her. It’s not her issue; it’s you.

I know the “it’s you” convention has become a cliché, but it really is your problem that you thought you wanted her and then you changed your mind. This is an indication of severe mental trauma in you, since you can’t decide on which virtues you value in people. Probably, you don’t know which values and virtues define you. You don’t even know yourself. So yes, the problem is truly you.

Once you’ve achieved humility in accepting responsibility (not blame) for yourself, you can initiate the breakup in good faith.

How to break up in practice

Mindset

You must have the right mindset before you break up. It shouldn’t be a fight or an attempt to one-up her just so you can mitigate your guilt or preserve your social standing as supposedly “justified” in breaking up. This is evil.